If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
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“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.