SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust

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I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.


You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.


friend: this has been the worst day of my life

me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR


Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat


A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…

I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.


ME: Between 10 & 11 p.m. I was having sex
JUDGE: Who are you? You’re not even in this trial
M: I know, I just want it on record


I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.


Fact: for every polite Canadian human there is an equally rude goose


Shout out to everybody home for the holidays telling their family about conversations that happened online by saying “My, uh… friend said…”


I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.