SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
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*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*