@jonnysun

SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust

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@weinerdog4life

I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.

@HallpassCanada

You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.

@KnownComment

friend: this has been the worst day of my life

me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR

@Goofpoops

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat

@Beer_Blonde_

A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…

I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.

@ArfMeasures

[court]
ME: Between 10 & 11 p.m. I was having sex
JUDGE: Who are you? You’re not even in this trial
M: I know, I just want it on record

@AimeeHelene1

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

@Mom_Overboard

Fact: for every polite Canadian human there is an equally rude goose

@anildash

Shout out to everybody home for the holidays telling their family about conversations that happened online by saying “My, uh… friend said…”

@KentWGraham

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.