scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god

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Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie


Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.


Good cop: We got you red-handed!

Weatherman cop: Well there’s a 70% chance of guilt but I’d go ahead and make weekend plans


If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.


flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator


if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot


Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what


Ocean’s 45:

The group gets bigger each heist

It’s too hard to keep secrets

Someone posts the next plan on Facebook

Everyone goes to jail


I need your parent’s phone number so I can call you & hang up when they answer.

Cause if I’m gonna crush on you, I’m doing it old school.


Relationship status: outside my wife’s window, holding John Cusack over my head.