Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
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Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Good cop: We got you red-handed!
Weatherman cop: Well there’s a 70% chance of guilt but I’d go ahead and make weekend plans
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
I need your parent’s phone number so I can call you & hang up when they answer.
Cause if I’m gonna crush on you, I’m doing it old school.
Relationship status: outside my wife’s window, holding John Cusack over my head.