scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
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I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
#JohnTravolta