@Ygrene

Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!

Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*

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@thepunningman

Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports

@Celestinelea90

I asked my kids today if they felt we spent enough time together and they both texted back that we did so I guess we are all good.

@wolfpupy

at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations

@MarfSalvador

Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that

[Later in bedroom]

Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?

@tchrquotes

If you’re filling a glass up and stop halfway, it’s half full. If you’re emptying a glass and stop halfway, it’s half empty.
You’re welcome

@internetluke

GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …

@junejuly12

Me: *grimaces, accepts call*

Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!

Me: Meow

@andylassner

If The Lego Movie is about anything other than parents walking around and cursing after stepping on Legos, it’s not based on a true story.

@QwertyJones3

Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.

@AbbyHasIssues

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.