@thepunningman
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
@Ygrene
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
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@thepunningman
@Celestinelea90
I asked my kids today if they felt we spent enough time together and they both texted back that we did so I guess we are all good.
@wolfpupy
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
@MarfSalvador
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
@tchrquotes
If you’re filling a glass up and stop halfway, it’s half full. If you’re emptying a glass and stop halfway, it’s half empty.
You’re welcome
@internetluke
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
@junejuly12
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
@andylassner
If The Lego Movie is about anything other than parents walking around and cursing after stepping on Legos, it’s not based on a true story.
@QwertyJones3
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
@AbbyHasIssues
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.