Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
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I asked my kids today if they felt we spent enough time together and they both texted back that we did so I guess we are all good.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
If you’re filling a glass up and stop halfway, it’s half full. If you’re emptying a glass and stop halfway, it’s half empty.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
If The Lego Movie is about anything other than parents walking around and cursing after stepping on Legos, it’s not based on a true story.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?