Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
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Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
me as a parent
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.