@Mr_Kapowski

*scientist finishes bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal and begins drinking the milk*

“Wait just one damn minute”

– How horchata was born

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@chrissyteigen

I really really really really clearly am not a PC type of gal but I’m a little weirded out at the oriental dressing option on my flight

@VanVeenB

Tried pushing her against the wall to kiss her like all you guys suggested.

Put her head right through the drywall.

Goddam cheap motels.

@JoshuaHvr

Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”

@krakkenlackin

Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another

@CarolinaSong

I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.

@Darlainky

I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”

@JustDontBugMe

[Date Night]

*Ties you up*

*Handcuffs you to the chair*

*Takes out the whip*

WHERE DID YOU HIDE THE CHEESECAKE?!

@thatUPSdude

We are never going to defeat the Decepticons, they are too good. I mean Bumblebee can’t even talk!

~Pessimist Prime.

@chuuew

I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.

@SentenceReduced

Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?