Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
*scientist finishes bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal and begins drinking the milk*
“Wait just one damn minute”
– How horchata was born
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An eskimo sitting in a kayak was chilly. He lit a fire. Unsurprisingly the kayak sank. Moral: You can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
If you ever feel stupid, just remember that every day, people are searching the internet to find out “Is the drug from LIMITLESS real?”
Jamie on FB just took a quiz to find out what type of flower she is. She’s a vibrant poppy. Weird, all this time I thought she was human.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
WORKER: so do you want that
WORKER: what else
Watching my former girlfriend with binoculars is ex-sighting