I really really really really clearly am not a PC type of gal but I’m a little weirded out at the oriental dressing option on my flight
*scientist finishes bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal and begins drinking the milk*
“Wait just one damn minute”
– How horchata was born
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Tried pushing her against the wall to kiss her like all you guys suggested.
Put her head right through the drywall.
Goddam cheap motels.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
*Ties you up*
*Handcuffs you to the chair*
*Takes out the whip*
WHERE DID YOU HIDE THE CHEESECAKE?!
We are never going to defeat the Decepticons, they are too good. I mean Bumblebee can’t even talk!
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?