SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
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When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.