@ArfMeasures

SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot

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@iwearaonesie

“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”

– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate

@Baxterbix

Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.

@ClichedOut

me: i’ll have the steak

waiter: this is a vegan restaurant

me: ok i’ll have the vegan

@TheAndrewNadeau

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

@PhilJamesson

The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word

@T_N_Crumpets

[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*

@AmericanGent69

*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…

Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins

*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!

@novicefather

[Personal ad]

Seeking hostile female rage rhino to suffocate me with her thighs. Smoker’s cough a plus. Oxygen tank required. No crazies.

@Pro_Jones_

I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.