@MelKassel

SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom

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@omically

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

@NourHadidi

Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?

@echoVista

“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.”

@hero_ofthenight

So apparently airport security doesn’t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.

@WendyLiebman

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

@TweetPotato314

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

@david8hughes

All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.

@carebear4647

No Twitter crush. I have a twitter boyfriend who I intend to marry and have twitter babies. Then twitter divorce and take all his followers.

@lasergirl70

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

@haolegurl808

One thing you can count on: For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.