*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
*puts hand in my mouth*
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
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“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.”
So apparently airport security doesn’t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
No Twitter crush. I have a twitter boyfriend who I intend to marry and have twitter babies. Then twitter divorce and take all his followers.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
One thing you can count on: For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.