SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
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Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less