Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
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Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob