[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
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friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
True freaking story!
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster