@vineyille

Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.

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@deedles420

I bet crop circles are just Yelp for aliens with reviews like ‘Earth: hangry species, would not recommend.’ or ‘if you must visit, visit in the summer, ?????.’

@ArfMeasures

Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front

@WinningByARose

Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination

@SortaBad

Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: what are your future plans?

Me: lunch

Interviewer: I meant long term plans

Me: what, like dinner?

@stephenjmolloy

[First day studying philosophy]

Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.

Me: Me?

Professor: Yes.

Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?

Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.

@TheBoydP

Pro tip: To tell how far away a storm is, count the seconds between the lightning and the thunder and then look at your weather app.

@david8hughes

[the followin is based on a true story]
*clips of me hittin my shin on my bed every nite for a year*
Narrator: its like he forgets its there