@vineyille

Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.

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@simoncholland

You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.

@Playing_Dad

Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*

@WilliamAder

Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.

@trevso_electric

I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

@DammitLarry1

The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:

If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.

@Ygrene

Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this

@junejuly12

*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*