OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
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You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*