Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
You Might Also Like
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right