(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
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My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.