My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
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fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Meow
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies