@Chumpstring

SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms

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@nachdermas

gonna take up jogging again, not to be healthier but to increase my chances of being murdered in the woods

@sixfootcandy

Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.

@mom_ontherocks

My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her

@Mom_Overboard

Someone: your tweet is unnecessary

Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT

@nachosarah

the only reason you should be showing me pictures of your kids is if they’re missing or you want them to be

@thedadvocate01

Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.

@OtherDanOBrien

[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.

@PaulFrei

How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?

Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.