@Chumpstring

SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms

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@RodLacroix

[going to bed]

Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.

[5 AM the next morning]

Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.

@ElKnuckelhombre

A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.

@SatansTongue

*Ohio State coach*
Boys, I know how we’re gonna beat the Oregon Ducks
“How coach”
With our secret weapon
*pulls out a loaf of bread*

@TheBoydP

Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?

@sparticus_af

waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined

me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money

@stillwondering1

As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.

@kelkulus

Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish

@fro_vo

i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch