gonna take up jogging again, not to be healthier but to increase my chances of being murdered in the woods
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
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Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
the only reason you should be showing me pictures of your kids is if they’re missing or you want them to be
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Willpower? Sure. It’s in the garage with my unicorn.