scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left

aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?

sientist: ause it’s your fault

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Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.


Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.


It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity


I assume the Burning Bush was the Bible’s first recorded STD.


“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok


Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.

Boss: What?

Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.


[outpost in the Arctic Circle]

“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”

BOSS: The days last 6 months here



“Don’t be shy!”

-people who don’t understand how genetically determined character traits work


Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back


shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”