@suecorvette

scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left

aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?

sientist: ause it’s your fault

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@DurtMcHurtt

Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.

@vladchoc

Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.

@stats_canada

It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity

@ManvAlcohol

I assume the Burning Bush was the Bible’s first recorded STD.

@Adam14

“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok

@MidniteMadwoman

Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.

Boss: What?

Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.

@QwertyJones3

[outpost in the Arctic Circle]

“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”

BOSS: The days last 6 months here

“Sonofa…”

@mattgallo123

“Don’t be shy!”

-people who don’t understand how genetically determined character traits work

@internetluke

Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back

@jaibashman

shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”