scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
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[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!