scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
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ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
concern
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.