scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?

me: i’ll give it a go

scientist: but you were just here yesterday

me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then

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Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good

Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it

Me: oh is there? *winks*


INVENTOR OF THE CHAIR: You might want to sit down for this.

FRIEND: Wher-Oh my god!


A 13-pound baby was born in GERMANY?? C’mon Mississippi, this is why we keep you around


Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.

Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.


My doctor told me, “DON’T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm.” CHALLENGE ACCEPTED


Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%


Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys


You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?


Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.


[loud crashes]

Me: What was that?

4-year-old: Nothing.



Me: OK.

Parenting is easier than it looks.