billy joel: she’s an uptown girl
me: where has she been living
billy joel: ur not gonna believe this
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
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cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
A snail is just a booger wearing a crash helmet
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
When women go to the restroom together that’s so you can make out, right?