Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
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Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.