Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
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Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
translated into Canadian
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.