scientist: what do u know about atoms

me: very little

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Tim Burton could’ve saved a lot of money on ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’ and just shown a 2016 Facebook Year in Review instead.


I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.


I watch murder shows instead of romantic comedies because I prefer to watch shows about things that actually have the possibility of happening for me.


Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.


My wife’s idea of oral sex is to sit down and talk me out of it.


peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper


When I was 3 years old I looked at my nutsack and asked my Mom “Are these my brains?”.”Not yet,” she replied


ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?

MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe


I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.


I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”