@clichedout

scientist: what do u know about atoms

me: very little

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@CulturedRuffian

Tim Burton could’ve saved a lot of money on ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’ and just shown a 2016 Facebook Year in Review instead.

@Fickle_Filly

I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.

@VexingVixxen

I watch murder shows instead of romantic comedies because I prefer to watch shows about things that actually have the possibility of happening for me.

@bartandsoul

Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.

@qwertying

My wife’s idea of oral sex is to sit down and talk me out of it.

@_elvishpresley_

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

@NoTrophy4You

When I was 3 years old I looked at my nutsack and asked my Mom “Are these my brains?”.”Not yet,” she replied

@ArfMeasures

ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?

MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe

@Marlebean

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.

@Angibangie

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”