Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
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Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
This one’s “Alex”.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.