Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
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Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*