Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
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i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
My beach vacation Google searches
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing