Scientists discover that Jupiter’s moon, Europa, may be suitable for human habitation. When asked to comment Jupiter stated, “Oh, hell no.”

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This hammock is the most relaxing thing I’ve ever had slingshot me point blank into the ground.


My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.


Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS3 in return.


Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.


A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.


People focus too much on the treachery of the wolf in sheep’s clothing and not at all at the wolf’s exceptional sewing skills.


[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”


Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.


The shoulder belt retractor suddenly locked up this morning and now everyone in my car pool knows my safe word.


If you didn’t want to get bitten you shouldn’t have looked at my cinnamon rolls