@downfront

Scientists discover that Jupiter’s moon, Europa, may be suitable for human habitation. When asked to comment Jupiter stated, “Oh, hell no.”

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@AdamUrbane

This hammock is the most relaxing thing I’ve ever had slingshot me point blank into the ground.

@notmythirdrodeo

My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.

@fusedude

Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS3 in return.

@MindyFurano

Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.

@EmmaManzini

A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.

@SliNtuli

People focus too much on the treachery of the wolf in sheep’s clothing and not at all at the wolf’s exceptional sewing skills.

@murrman5

[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”

@Social_Mime

Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.

@WilliamAder

The shoulder belt retractor suddenly locked up this morning and now everyone in my car pool knows my safe word.

@brittwastaken

If you didn’t want to get bitten you shouldn’t have looked at my cinnamon rolls