You Might Also Like
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
The fall of Netflix
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.