Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
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“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.