I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
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So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Ion see the issue
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
🌱🌱🌱
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.