Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
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People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
same vibe as tangled headphones
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think