I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
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If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Veteran: [terrified] And then he died.
Reporter: But what was it like only having to memorize 1 password for everything?
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
birthday cards don’t be coming with checks no more. which is wild because 12 year old me didn’t need that $50 like 31 year old me needs that $50. our system is broken.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Sleeping Beauty was full of shit. No woman is that nice when you wake her up from a nap.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.