@EndhooS

Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist

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@TheBoydP

Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.

@UnFitz

“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.

@DrakeGatsby

me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest

@mommy_cusses

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

@sofarrsogud

[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.

@deardilettante

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

@Social_Mime

My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.