@AimeeHelene1
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
@EndhooS
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
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@AimeeHelene1
@OfficeofSteve
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
@ComedicBust
[History Channel]
Veteran: [terrified] And then he died.
Reporter: But what was it like only having to memorize 1 password for everything?
@NotthatAdamWest
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
@moron_online
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
@MrFornicator
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
@spinnellii
birthday cards don’t be coming with checks no more. which is wild because 12 year old me didn’t need that $50 like 31 year old me needs that $50. our system is broken.
@paranoidplastic
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
@TheMichaelRock
Sleeping Beauty was full of shit. No woman is that nice when you wake her up from a nap.
@iinkedZombie
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.