@RobDenBleyker
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
@EndhooS
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
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@RobDenBleyker
@TheBoydP
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
@UnFitz
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
@DrakeGatsby
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
@mommy_cusses
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
@sofarrsogud
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
@deardilettante
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
@GrabTheWEness
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
@Social_Mime
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.