@EndhooS

Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist

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@michaelianblack

Is it racist that I only use chopsticks when eating Asian food? I’m never like, “Time for pancakes! Where are my chopsticks?”

@Reverend_Scott

Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.

@MrsTomServo

Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.

@SteveKoehler22

Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.

Thyme wounds all heels.

@mejustbeth

Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.

She’s really good at that.

@LeBearGirdle

It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall

@roob_drummer

snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this

@Diversion50

It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.

@Tommytoughstuff

*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.