@michaelianblack Is it racist that I only use chopsticks when eating Asian food? I’m never like, “Time for pancakes! Where are my chopsticks?”
@EndhooS Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
You Might Also Like
@michaelianblack 
@Reverend_Scott Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
@MrsTomServo Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
@SteveKoehler22 Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
@mejustbeth Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
@LeBearGirdle It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
@roob_drummer snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
@Diversion50 It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
@Mom_Overboard The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
@Tommytoughstuff *Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.