Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
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A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE