@Grind_n_Roll

Scientists have spliced the DNA of a human with a sea cow. Oh, the humanatee.

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@JamesCoolie

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

@fowlerism

SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them

@CorkyCrash

I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.

@Mindless4Miles

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.

@huntigula

Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?

Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?

@UncleDuke1969

“Hi-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Do y-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Excuse m-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”

@juliussharpe

If Apple has taught me anything, it’s wait to see the “Steve Jobs” movie until they release a second version.

@CyberneticTiger

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

@ValeeGrrl

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.

@krisv_723

Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.