Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
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[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough