Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
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Just organising my finances.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
I can’t stop watching this.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO