Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
You Might Also Like
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.