@Gre_Gone

(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.

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@Sanbel11

Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.

@TheHyyyype

math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass

me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?

math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit

me:

math teacher:

me: i don’t- is that going to be enough

@DomBorrett

Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…

You can’t have it both ways mate

@WineMummy

*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*

Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?

Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.

@AwwRobin666

What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.

@CodyJP9412

Old people that say tattoos are a waste of money: You have entire cabinets dedicated to plates that no one is allowed to use.

@KentWGraham

I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.

@LackOfShame

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.