Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
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[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Breaking news:
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth