@Ygrene

Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher

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@HatfieldAnne

I walk in the kitchen just as you drop the pork roast on the floor. No one will know, you say. My only question is how many other times have you done this.

@mckaycoppins

My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”

@ThisOneSayz

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

@andlikelaura

Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge

Me, a rhinoceros: nice

@andlikelaura

Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man

@amydillon

Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.

@lmegordon

Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.

@lloydrang

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.