Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
You Might Also Like
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
So creative 😂
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult