wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
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If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Nothing screams passive agressive quite like letting your spouse sleep in, while also letting the kids play loudly outside the bedroom door
Where do I see myself in ten years? I don’t know. Let me think. *pictures self riding jet ski made of bones through space*
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.