@petemandik

Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.

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@KeetPotato

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

@ilovepie84

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

@LizHackett

I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.

@danjan13

I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?

@SadMeterologist

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.

@XOperfectmessXO

Nothing screams passive agressive quite like letting your spouse sleep in, while also letting the kids play loudly outside the bedroom door

@duplicitron

Where do I see myself in ten years? I don’t know. Let me think. *pictures self riding jet ski made of bones through space*

@UncleDuke1969

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

@bazecraze

I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.