Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
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Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
*3.5 thank you very much.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Bike is short for Bichael.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
my fav colour is also hitler