@petemandik

Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.

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@DocAroundThClok

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

@Darlainky

Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.

@patnspankme

A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.

@LeafsCommunity

Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks

Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks

@EastonEnyart

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

@mochanya

I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.

@chuuew

ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means

@TheMindOfADad

If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.

@PatsATweetin

Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?

God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.

Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?

God:

Angel:

God: Get Noah on the line.

@drayzze

*breathes* – gets heartburn

*drinks some water* – gets heartburn

*has sex* – gets heartburn

*makes a joke* – gets heartburn