Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
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Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
2 things I hate;
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God: Get Noah on the line.
*breathes* – gets heartburn
*drinks some water* – gets heartburn
*has sex* – gets heartburn
*makes a joke* – gets heartburn