Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
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[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
i prefer mine room temperature.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.