Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
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Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Vodka burrito was a success
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing