Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
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*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
This is hilarious….
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.