Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.

Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.

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I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.


Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.


I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.


We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.


There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.


We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident


[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…