@envydatropic
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
@ianpauldukes
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
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@envydatropic
@ShoutingGoddess
I just think of unfollowers as me paying my Follower Tax.
@WilliamAder
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
@themorris23
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
@CountDankulaTV
@Tmoney68
“I’d pap that.” – Gynecolgist
@USPS
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
@LostFelicia
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
@BunAndLeggings
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
@EndhooS
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…