@ianpauldukes

Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.

Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.

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@envydatropic

I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.

@WilliamAder

Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.

@themorris23

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

@USPS

We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.

@LostFelicia

There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.

@BunAndLeggings

We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident

@EndhooS

[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…