@djdarrellripley
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
@ianpauldukes
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
You Might Also Like
@djdarrellripley
@XplodingUnicorn
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
@seamussaid
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
@AngelaEhh
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
@RahulReply
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
@Cheeseboy22
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
@SteveKoehler22
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
@Marlebean
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
@Michael1979
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
@dorsalstream
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.