Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
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Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
going to office: late
going to a doctors appointment: late
going to a friends house: late
going to a concert: 8 hours early
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …
and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.