@ianpauldukes

Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.

Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.

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@dril

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

@GoldenSpirals

Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.

Tempted to eat my own leg.

Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.

@Quartzjixler

“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.

@SJKSalisbury

Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

@IamJackBoot

The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.

@alexlumaga

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

@3sunzzz

*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*

@stereofiasco

Facebook codes…

Single: “Looking for sex”

In a relationship: “Having sex”

Married: “Not having sex”

It’s complicated: “Not having sex but my partner is”

@aveuaskew

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

@CoolBabyRat

*mugger walks up* GIMME EVERYTHING YOU GOT! *mugger slowly walks away with $2.16 and a lifetime of anxiety & existential misunderstanding*