Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
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Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely