Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
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Adultry does not sound fun at all
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.