GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
“Scientology” is a combination of “scient-,” meaning “science,” and “-ology,” meaning “science.” And it just gets stupider from there.
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Say what you want about serial killers but you can’t argue with their work ethic.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Him: do you swallow
*walks away mumbling. How else do you think I eat. Idiot
Me: *doesn’t drink soda because it’s unhealthy*
Me: *drinks alcohol*
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
[judging dog show]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
*Gets mole removed*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle