@TheTweetOfGod

“Scientology” is a combination of “scient-,” meaning “science,” and “-ology,” meaning “science.” And it just gets stupider from there.

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@kidnapped_jesus

Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days

@anjeanettec

I dream about living in a world where Adobe never asks me to update it.

@_NinJar

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

@TheToddWilliams

[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer

@Parkerlawyer

Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.

@ItsSamG

My mind: Age is just a number!

My lower back: Lolololololol

@Terfleaza

Told a priest, “Bless you” after he sneezed and he said, “Stay in your lane.”

@Brampersandon_

ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser

@thenatewolf

Horror movies in the 50’s were just mysteries with extra cobwebs and two well-timed lightning cracks.

Horror movies now are like: “Your addiction to technology woke up the devil and he’s spent the last thousand years thinking up some weirdly elaborate sexual torture techniques”

@patnspankme

Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?