@TheTweetOfGod

“Scientology” is a combination of “scient-,” meaning “science,” and “-ology,” meaning “science.” And it just gets stupider from there.

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@drinksmcgee

Say what you want about serial killers but you can’t argue with their work ethic.

@alexjmann

I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.

@Canadian_Cutie_

Him: do you swallow

Me: Yes

*walks away mumbling. How else do you think I eat. Idiot

@drunk

Me: *doesn’t drink soda because it’s unhealthy*

Me: *drinks alcohol*

@PatsATweetin

YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”

@joejwest

[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you

@bngzyface

[dermatologist office]

*Gets mole removed*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

@HenpeckedHal

I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle