“Scientology” is a combination of “scient-,” meaning “science,” and “-ology,” meaning “science.” And it just gets stupider from there.

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Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days


I dream about living in a world where Adobe never asks me to update it.


*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*


QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass

QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer


Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.


My mind: Age is just a number!

My lower back: Lolololololol


Told a priest, “Bless you” after he sneezed and he said, “Stay in your lane.”


ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser


Horror movies in the 50’s were just mysteries with extra cobwebs and two well-timed lightning cracks.

Horror movies now are like: “Your addiction to technology woke up the devil and he’s spent the last thousand years thinking up some weirdly elaborate sexual torture techniques”


Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?