SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
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He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”