Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.

I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.

[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]

me: clever girl

velociraptor: what

me: …clever girl

velociraptor: I’m 26

me: sorry I-

velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here

[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”

‘I want to gossip but professionally.’

– news anchors

I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.

If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.

People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.

the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos

“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War

My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.

Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.

cow: I hate when you boss me around

farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?

cow: you herd me

My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.

No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.

Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.

Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.

[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15

My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.

At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.

Did we do it, did we save the daylight

As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.

Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?

Stranger: He’s over there!

Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question

[Job interview]

employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!

me: I hope that’s ok-

emp: when can he start?

me: WHAT?!

cat: meow

emp: great!

me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!

A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.

He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.

Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more

My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.

I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.