@ShutUpThatsWho

Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident

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@markleggett

I just whispered “Come at me, bro” to a bug and it ran towards me, so now I’m in my car driving away from my old life.

@Asher_Wolf

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

@kunalkamra88

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.

@AristotlesNZ

Been rubbing this thing on my carpet for 2 hours and still nothing. How the hell do you recharge a smart car?

@_SetTheHook_

Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.

@eff_yeah_steph

Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*

@ArfMeasures

Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery

Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness

Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone

@bazecraze

The whole purpose of travel is to return home and discover what your house actually smells like.

@leechee420

$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”