Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
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If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
when you don’t want to be too vague
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw