Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
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Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day