“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
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Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
This did not end as expected.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.