@timdonakowski

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

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@TheAlexNevil

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

@JohnLyonTweets

That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.

@inojperez

“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.

@WilliamRodgers

My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…

58 seconds…

58 whole seconds…

Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”

…where was that attitude on our wedding night???

@RobertJrDowney

I think Voldemort’s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.

@Sickayduh

MOM: You give that back to him, mister
ME: Ok mom
MOM: and what do we say now?
ME: *climbing off unicycle* sorry I tried to steal your girl

@cepheusjackson

ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.

RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air

ME: HOLY SHIT

@AcademicsSay

Active voice: I loved your book

Passive voice: Your book was loved

Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book

@Trudacious

I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.