Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
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[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.