@BarryVonAwesome

Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.

So Disappointed.

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@JessObsess

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

@palmersword

[assigning roles]

god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth

sun: sounds good

god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves

moon: hell yes

@mrjohntofu

If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?

@Vodkantots

Listen, guys. I’ve had two kids.

Your promise to “destroy” it is no good here.

@TheMichaelRock

[at restaurant]]

8yo: why does mom eat half of your food?

Me: because..

Wife *evil glare*

Me *terrified* because I don’t want it.

@LittleMissZesty

Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*

Co-worker:

@Piecezilla

My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.

@Jacksawyerr

If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.

@chuuew

ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.

DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro