I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
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god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Listen, guys. I’ve had two kids.
Your promise to “destroy” it is no good here.
8yo: why does mom eat half of your food?
Wife *evil glare*
Me *terrified* because I don’t want it.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
Ref: Call it in the air..
Me: A QUARTER.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro