Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
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good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
dutch is not a serious language